Violator
by Dowash
Summary: Violate me


**A.N/ **I own nothing. Not the song (_Violator _by **Son of Rust**) nor anything you might (and will, most probably) recognize. It all belongs to the pretty lady living somewhere quite else than Finland. *sigh* too bad, I would like to have Harry and Sirius lawfully inside my head and all that *grins*

Now, the **WARNINGS: **Violence, male/male relationships (Sirius/Harry), smut, gore, half-rape, dirty language, bondage, dark thoughts, OOC:ness and definite AU:ness.

_This isn't a fluffy story with fluffy se_x_-scenes, so if that is what you are looking for, kindly press the 'back'-button._

If you still wish to read this, please continue. But I am _**warning**_ you that this is a bit extreme piece of writing even from me *innocent whistle* If **_any _**of the warnings above made you feel uneasy or doubtful, turn back now. Read on at your own risk, but don't come flaming me at the end and say I didn't warn you. If I'm overreacting this a bit, then it's fine as well. I just don't want to hear anyone's gotten any traumas for this or anything *laughs* (wow, all this warning and stuff makes me feel a bit odd *chuckles*)

Oh, and this is a one-shot.

Anyhoo, enjoy!

* * *

**Violator**

_What's behind the mask?_

_Is there anything left inside?_

He looked so dead those days. Nothing but faked smiles and expressions that never quite reached his eyes, leaving them cold and uncaring.

He thought no-one saw them, thinking was hiding it well enough. But for someone like me…

I understood perfectly well.

I never asked to be like this. I never _wanted_ to be anything like this.

They say a day will come when I will be able to look back and see the beauty in all these tragedies. Like there could ever be anything beautiful about death and murders. It was as if everyone was telling me it was okay to butcher and torture, to tear families apart, to keep on fighting a war no-one had any interest in.

Dumbledore was the only one who still had some hope remaining. He tried- obviously- to make us feel it too. But I've never known hope, unfamiliar with a concept such as that. For a boy raised in a cupboard and abused every single day for what I was, some light at the end of the long and dark tunnel never even existed in the first place.

_What dreams of these are real?  
What secrets do you hide?_

Everyone was exhausted, driven to the brink of insanity just because there was no time for us to rest at all. Just when someone managed to lie down and close their eyes, an alarm echoed through the building and we had to go and fight once again. Fight a battle no-one wanted to win.

Our dreams were a garbled mess, reality mingling and blending with the only place we could find peace anymore. It wasn't uncommon that I woke up during the night to hear someone screaming and crying out, the oppressing silence the feeble truce was creating clawing at everyone's already torn nerves.

The house was our only sanctuary anymore, offering something a moron had once called a home. But to me, home meant something else than rooms after rooms of injured and dying people. It meant something more than the large kitchen that served as headquarters for meetings where hastily made plans that were bound to fail were patched up. It was more than the gloomy corridors and the shadows of the people walking along them.

_The poison has its way,  
drowns my memory_

The only way anyone could escape anymore was to retreat into their own minds, but even that wasn't a happy place anymore. Overflowing with death, blood, mutilation and something even worse, it only served as a place where we could relive our pasts, see again and again all the mistakes we had made that had caused our friends and loved ones to die.

Some went insane and in a way I think they have it better. I watched as Ron lost it, finally, after days and days of mourning over his mother and father and half of his family. He'd been the one to kill them, under the influence of the Imperius-Curse he hadn't been able to resist. I'd been there to witness it, and I watched from the sidelines as he tortured them before brutally tearing them apart.

Why I didn't stop him, you ask? I wish I had, in this dark mind of mine. I wish I could have been able to prevent it from happening. But I was caught up in a duel of my own, fighting for a life I didn't want to keep. The only reason I hadn't already tossed that useless thing aside was fear.

Absurdly or not, I was afraid to die. Clichéd, I know, tell me something I don't. But when it's only inches away you'll get cut into two that last breath is suddenly worth more than anything else in the world. You could sell your loved ones and everything else to keep on breathing.

_Of all the brighter days,  
the way things used to be_

We screwed up, royally. And it would be funny if we weren't hunted down like animals. We made the mistake of believing in the humanity of the Death Eaters, that there was a line they wouldn't cross no matter how far we went.

We weren't prepared to see them blowing themselves up along with the Minister for Magic and the whole facility he worked in.

_Violator_

The only way to escape anymore is to either draw back into our minds or drown ourselves with alcohol. I can see which one he chose.

He's always there during the nights, sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey as his company. He thinks no-one can see the depth of his feelings, he hides them behind his usually flashy and energetic personality like it's a curtain he draws over his true self.

He thinks no-one sees the mad burn in his eyes as he kills, a Death Eater after the other. He doesn't care anymore if there are civilians there as well or not, he cuts through them with his curses like he didn't even see them.

I can't blame him.

He thinks no-one can see his anger. He has it hidden well, under all the layers of grime and bad stuff that's happened to him during the years. It should weigh him down but it doesn't. It should make him look his age or even older.

It should make him look anything but what he does now. After returning from behind the veil, he's been stuck with that something, clinging onto him with clutching fingers.

He should look like something else than someone who was having the time of their lives. With every fiber of his twenty-five-year-old body, Sirius enjoyed the pain and suffering he brought to others with vengeance. It was justified, the way he poured his feelings onto his magic, making it faster, deadlier, more beautiful in its color.

_Violate me._

I went to talk with him. In the spur of the moment, just after we had lost a yet another fight and had been forced to retreat like thieves in the night.

I went to change a few words with him into the kitchen he was shadowing with his presence, his deadly aura washing over me like something refreshing and new. He was already slightly drunk, an empty bottle lying on its side on the table. His gaze was burning as he looked at me, a sneer about in the corner of his lips. So much had changed about him that I didn't know him anymore, and it was comforting in its insecurity. He wasn't the same man I'd come to know during those short meetings nearly four years ago. He was something else than the figure thrown through the veil three years in the past for me and only a few months for him. The experience had changed him, bringing out new sides of him as his cheery personality had been crushed almost completely. He didn't laugh or smile if it wasn't for putting a mask over his beautiful face to cover his deadly feelings. Cracking jokes and trying to keep the humor alive had become George and his twin's job.

Sirius had changed from the gentle and maybe slightly reckless man into a cold person who drank and killed. It felt like he had no more meaning to his life and sometimes, when I looked at him in the battlefield, I was convinced that that was all he ever needed. I understood it, because I could feel it as well. The insane burn and boiling of my blood as the curses flew and people died all around me. The adrenaline-rush that got me high when I ducked just in time and someone less fortunate bit the dust behind me.

He, Sirius, looked at me, up to me from the chair he was occupying. And his eyes were laughing at me, at my state. He glanced at the wound on the side of my cheek, his lips twisting up to form a smile as he nudged the bottle towards me.

I leaned against the table and drank.

It was rare for him to actually talk with anyone. There wasn't anyone he wanted to talk to. And he made it clear, I'd heard him say it more than once when someone was trying to strike up a conversation with him. But Sirius didn't seem to be interested in conversing.

I drank before returning the alcohol. Our fingers brushed against each other as Sirius took the bottle back and I wondered if he felt it too.

He looked at me, with a slightly tilted head. He looked slightly amused as he drank as well, ignoring my away-turned eyes. Finally he stood up, and I thought he would just leave me there. That had happened in the battlefields. Everyone was responsible only of themselves; the ones who couldn't cope would get killed. The law of the jungle that this war had become.

He stood before me, forced me to look at him. He attacked my neck with his fingers and then we were kissing.

_Show me love while underneath you hate me. _

It didn't matter we were both men. Primal lust was all that was required.

It didn't matter we felt nothing for each other. We wanted something physical.

In the time of war, it didn't matter if that 'something' everyone was looking for was found in the embrace of a man or a woman.

I grabbed his head to yank him closer as I kissed him back.

He was harsh and fast with his tongue, taking and demanding as he forced my lips apart and claimed my mouth in a brutal kiss that was torrid in its tearing heat.

A true carnivore.

Pressing me against the edge of the table, his fingers threaded through my hair before taking a tight hold and yanking my head back. Our lips parted as his head fell and he bit and gnawed at the skin on the side of my neck, nailing me against the wood with his weight and listening as I grunted. My fingers clutched the back of his neck as I moved up against him, my leg rising up to his hip.

_Why do I keep dreaming  
you're here to save me?_

We ended up in his dark room, a heap of gasps and tangled limbs falling onto the bed.

He didn't like it when I wriggled and I didn't even see the hit before it landed on my cheek, stinging my skin with its surprise and pain. I gasped out and he _did_ like that, a grin on his face as he threw me higher on the bed before pinning my wrists against the mattress. Kicking my legs apart, he kept holding me down as he placed his knees on top of my thighs.

The room was dimly lit but I could see the mad gleam in his eyes, the alcohol wearing off fast as he rocked his body lightly and his knees dug into my skin. And I moaned, because I could see he would like it, and because I liked the pain as well.

He grinned again before the hold on my other wrist was gone, his hand rising high up before he slapped me again hard across the face. My head jerked to the side as my whole body arched, heat pouring down to my groin at the look he gave me.

_Violator_

He asked me if I liked to be treated like a slut. His eyes were gleaming and I could see my reflection in them, like the grayness before me was nothing but mirrors to the soul that didn't exist anymore.

He asked if I liked to be treated roughly. When I said yes he grinned, his knees digging into my skin as his nails scraped my bare chest. I didn't know when my robes and shirt had disappeared.

He said he'd figured as much, and all the while his knees dug into my thighs, his nails leaving deep red marks onto my skin.

I enjoyed the pain, wanting more.

_Violate me._

He was too rough. But every hit landing on my skin and making me scream was relieving, it freed me a bit more.

Tying me up to the headboard, he had me completely at his mercy. And not for a second was he quiet. He kept on talking, whispering to me with a poisonous voice as he hurt me, made me bleed, made me scream and beg him to stop as he dragged the knife along my skin.

And I enjoyed it. Loved it. It was never enough, no matter how slicky the sheets got from my blood or how loudly the walls echoed back my screams. It never hurt enough to make him stop, never was there a moment when he hesitated before his claws made me bleed more.

He kept on grinning, and the more he hurt me the wider he grinned. The more I cried the happier he came and the more I screamed out my pain the harder he became. My wrists were bleeding and he told me I deserved it. He had told me to stay put when he'd tied me up with barbed wire. He had told me not to move an inch without his permission, and he had clearly enjoyed the power he had over the boy who had nearly killed Voldemort. Nearly. I'd chickened out during the eleventh hour and now we were all hunted down.

He fucked me with pain as his companion, saying I didn't even know the meaning of the word 'agony'.

He said he was going to teach me how to be good.

He tore my body apart so many times, torturously and sweetly agonizingly in the painful pleasure of it. He took me too many times, dragging me onto the edge of tormenting relief and fulfillment over and over.

He did nothing to make it painless for me. I could see he liked to hear me scream. So I gave him what he wanted as he thrust into my completely unprepared ass with that gleam in his eyes. My blood became the lubricant and I thrashed in his hold, screaming with my eyes squeezed shut so that I didn't need to see that look on his face.

_Forgotten in the past,  
the way we used to be._

He was gentle with me just once and even that was a mock.

'For old times' sake', he said, with that poisonous and dead voice of his as he whispered the words into my ear. And then he laughed and shoved me onto my stomach, pressing my face into the pillows so that I couldn't breathe as he took me again. But he was too gentle this time, causing too much pleasure. And I couldn't get any air into my lungs, fighting against the tight hold on the back of my head as he rolled his hips into me over and over.

'What, you don't like it like this?' he asked with a sarcastic laughter, his fingers digging into my hip with an irony hold that burned by bones. 'Be a good bitch now, Harry.'

_These things aren't built to last  
that's the way it's meant to be._

He hated me, I knew it.

He hated everyone.

I heard him say he wished he'd never been forced to come back into this stinking world. He said he wished he could've stayed dead rather than come back to fight a fight that wasn't his. And all the while he rolled his hips into my bleeding ass, suffocating me with the pillows. It was a pleasure beyond comprehension, and I wasn't adequate to start understanding it.

He grabbed my hands and tied them behind my back. I was finally able to breathe again and each gulp of fresh air brought my senses back to me more and more. I could feel him moving up behind me, slamming his hips into me with a content grunt dancing in the air after each vicious thrust. He was cursing me suddenly, such hate in his voice that it made my insides curl with fear. I automatically tried to cover but he didn't like that, fingers fisting my hair and thrusting my head against the pillows again.

'I'll teach a lesson to a bitch like you,' he growled. It was a dark gasp. Then something ran through the air and I felt a sharp pain on my lower back. I moaned into the pillows and I could feel my ass clenching around his still moving length. He chuckled and then hit me again, the sharp edge of my own belt scraping and scratching my skin as the leather whipped against it. He asked me if I liked it. Taunting me, he asked if I'd been whipped before, but it didn't sound like he even wanted an answer.

He yanked at my hair, tearing me up from the bed before the belt was around my throat and I was suffocated. He tightened it fast while fucking me in the ass hard, making endless but strangled moans to fall from my lips. He tightened it too much and I couldn't breathe anymore, my body thrashing and straining away from him. And Sirius just laughed and let me fall to the mattress, the belt sliding from between his fingers before he pulled out and tossed me around.

He grabbed the back of my head and shoved his cock down my throat. The belt strangled me, leather and metal digging into my skin as I fought against the barbed wire around my wrists. My mouth was too full and I loved it as Sirius' dick slid against my tongue.

He pushed me against the mattress and fucked my mouth. He didn't care I was passing out from the oxygen-loss as he rolled his hips in. He didn't care I was gagging and tearing up, he thought it was fun to nearly kill me with the easiest way possible. Then he pulled back slightly and I sucked and gnawed the tip of his length contently, feeling the forbidden croon welling at the back of my throat. It spilled through and Sirius laughed again.

'Like this, now do you?' he asked, and then I was hit again so hard I was seeing stars. My cheek stung and then my head was turned and another hit landed, lips following right behind to nip and lick the red skin.

Sirius retreated and then ordered me to roll over. It took me too long to understand what he was saying so the belt around my throat tightened again, digging into the skin under my jaw and making me croak. He yanked at my restraint harshly, a snicker slipping past his lips as I coughed and choked.

'Little slut,' he drawled, and then another hit stung my skin before I was pushed over to my stomach again, my hips lifted from the mattress. Then he was inside of me, that blissfully painful feeling. He paid no heed to my moans of agonized pleasure as he fucked me hard, yanking at the belt and suffocating me while his hand worked on my cock and brought me an unwilling completion.

He straightened and pulled away, the belt slipping from around my neck. I was too dazed to understand it before a foot landed to the small of my back and I collapsed against the mattress. I gasped and then something fluttered over my eyes, my sight gone before a fabric slid into my mouth and between my teeth. A gag, as I realized a second too late before the hits started to land again. I screamed as I was ripped away from the slight oblivion an orgasm always brought about. My body wriggled and my head dug against the pillows as my hands fought against the bindings. But I didn't even dream of making Sirius stop.

I don't think I would've been even able to make him stop.

The man was blinded by his rage, his anger towards anyone and everyone all-consuming. There was too much darkness in the man, with no-one to direct it onto. He kept it bottled up and confined, letting it out on the battlefields where it was safe to hate the entire world and kill everyone coming into sight. It wasn't that rare that Sirius had been killing friends as well as foes.

Each whip from the belt stung my skin and I screamed, my body arching under Sirius' foot as my legs tossed. It hurt so much it was past the ordinary pleasure I managed to attain, making my skin crawl and tingle until I was nearly begging for more.

Sirius laughed and stopped, leaving me to lie there with blood running down my back and pooling against my sides as he disappeared from the bed. I heard nothing, the hum in my ears engulfing me in its monotony as I silently begged and pleaded for more.

Something poured onto my back and an angry pain flared up from the cuts, it stung so much it made me scream and thrash again. I bit down onto the gag as I tried to roll away. But the foot returned until it was joined with the other and Sirius was standing on my lower back, nearly crushing me with his weight as he poured the alcohol to my wounds.

_For now time has its way  
I'll breathe you deep within_

It hurt, making me squirm in agony and kick with my legs as tears trailed down my cheeks. And I could hear Sirius chuckling again as he dropped to his knees over my ass and rubbed the pain in, his long fingers intensifying the burn as he moved them along my skin.

He spread my ass and had slipped inside before I could even gasp, the pain tearing on my body as he moved and dug his nails onto my red flesh. He kept rocking our bodies in the rhythm he wanted as he kept on blaming me, accusing me, mocking me about everything I'd done wrong. He was sneering at me, hurting me, strangling me with his strong hands that had been brought back to seed death.

He fucked me, over and over, never stopping to ask anything.

He claimed me his again and again. He raped me, hurt me both physically and mentally as he kept on tormenting me with his words and body.

_When you've done all you can  
and I've done it all again._

That night lasted for eternities, our time trapped in a limbo that repeated the dark hours again and again. The morning never seemed to come and I didn't want it to.

At one point, Sirius told me he loved me.

He was mocking me, laughing at my blush as I made the mistake of believing him for just that one second before he hit me harshly and it all started all over again.

The sheets were red and messy, stained with my blood and his too.

My body was a ragged mess, torn and used. It ached and burned and I'd never felt better in my entire life.

Sirius hurt me.

He didn't seem to be able to get enough of the willing bitch he had in his bed. Just when I thought he'd grown tired and would throw me away like a toy he made me bleed again, sniggering like the devil himself as I screamed out and nearly begged him to stop.

I screamed for him.

I screamed him.

I screamed at him.

And everything only seemed to arouse him more, to make him rock-hard in my hand again, to fuck me once more.

He fucked me from behind while hitting my back with my belt as much as he wanted. He made me lean to the headboard with my hands while he did this, saying good sluts should be able to do something by themselves.

There wasn't an inch in my body that wasn't on bruises or bleeding as he finally kicked me out. He had enough decency to charm my jeans on me before he did it.

He'd gotten bored of me and went to bed and I was left in the hallway to gather the rest of my clothes and avoid the shocked looks on the faces of the people in the corridor with me as I leaned my head against the wall.

_You've used me in a way  
no one else can,  
only you can._

I felt happy as I visited my room briefly. I took a shower and then I was ready to go once again, the wounds still biting on my skin.

I would die today again.

Inside my head, I would keep on dying, day after day.

Sirius didn't remember what we had been to each other during the time before he fell through the veil.

_Please use me in a way  
that always leaves me desperate for more._

And still, I will go back to him tomorrow to get some more.


End file.
